revelations! and vices.

that's gotta be a good thing, right? It's not necessarily, but i do feel better to make some sense of my thoughts.

Smokers. Those who use drugs. it has always bothered me incredibly. I can't really explain why. and i'm not sure i can now, but i have some theories.

People (jay - who does not smoke or use drugs but has friends/family that do) have criticized me for being so harsh when i find out that a friend smokes cigarettes or pot or dabbles in drugs. He says to me - it's not that much different than alcohol really. I guess growing up my parents drank fairly often, probably every few weeks or so one of them had a beer or a glass of wine. but no one smoked. i have one aunt and one uncle that smoked and that's it. smoking was always associated with drugs, which was always a no-go (duh?). but even cigarettes. I found out when i was a teenager that my mom smoked before she met my dad, and she quit. and it's not that it totally changed my perception of her, of course, but it did add something to how I think about her that just makes me kind of sad. My brother started smoking about the time he graduated high school. and it broke my heart. he has since quit (he's 21) and has actually changed a whole lot as a person. he also went through a period of time where he smoked a lot of pot and even got in trouble for it a few times. I felt very disconnected from him during that time. it didn't bother me for him to drink, even though he was underage (we both did, even with our parents) but when he would go outside to smoke it was like he was going to do something devilish.

For some reason tonight, I've been thinking about how i feel about my friends/relations smoking. i feel really disappointed. not so much in them, but i wish they could have made better choices... etc. sometimes we do things out of weakness. and in that regard, smoking and drinking probably arent that different. how many times have i thought i needed a glass of wine because my day was too shitty and i couldn't deal with it on my own. but i also feel like a lot of what i've been through, namely with ballet, has made me the opposite of weak. at least in choice. I have so much strength and will-power in me that its hard to believe sometimes. Sometimes I forget. It surprises me and catches me off guard. i'm not saying i don't have lazy tendencies, hell yes. but when i pull off one of my stunts... it's powerful feeling.

So then i realized, maybe it's a thing about being weak and strong. not that i'm "strong" mentally, but emotionally? maybe? my weakness takes strength. it's not just giving in to a cigarette or even a box of wine (mmm). But I can still fight like a bitch, even if it's just in my head.

No wonder i'm so screwed up.