i hate this feeling. I don't even know what got the ball rolling today, but somehow I'm on discountdance.com shopping for leotards and tights and on Lexington Ballet's website looking at classes and even intensives. WHY?
It's almost summer, and I spent several years around this time looking forward to summer intensives - a several-week long program away from home studying ballet.

I can't say i don't miss it. I do - desperately. Summer intensives were some of the better summers that i can remember.
when i first moved back home in January, I went to ballet twice a week. I love it - after everything ballet and I have been through together. I'm addicted to it. I don't know that I'll ever be able to listen to certain music or see certain things (any ballet image, for ex) without feeling like my insides are tearing up and that I need to get back into a leo and tights. I don't have this feeling about anything else. and it's such a catch-22. I want to go so badly, but i feel like a fool for being so old and out of shape, i look like a whale, and the worst is that I'm not able to do what I used to be able to do. I guess it's like a little taste of being an old woman - seeing younger, more fit, more able people doing what I used to be able to do....
I stopped going to class after 6 weeks, when i got my job. I blamed my absence on being tired from working. I also knew that i wasn't a very healthy person when i first moved home and was dealing with all of the depression and such, and though I knew that the exercise was (and is) healthy for me, i also tried to convince myself that resting on the couch all evening was also healthy.

It all comes and goes. Some days i don't think about it much at all. Other days I am on the verge of tears from missing it so much. And I don't know what to do about any of it. Going to class hurts, NOT going to class hurts. I don't have the time to commit enough to become a little better at it - again.

it is just one of those sucky days I guess. I will likely get over it in a few days. and then i can be a happy fat kid again until i get a horrible, insatiable feeling to go to ballet and look at myself in mirrors barely dressed and stress over not being perfect enough.

And I don't even know what I want from all of this.